Pieces in a Puzzle
by kira-nerys
Summary: [slash] Garak deals with Ziyal's death and losing his friend Julian


Pieces in a Puzzle

name="A heated encounter">Pieces in a Puzzle

**Author**: kira-nerys  


**Series**: DS9  


**Codes**: G/B (Dax) - PG-13 (for m/m romance)  


**Author's Note**: This is my first attempt at Garak/Bashir. I don't 

know if my abilities or knowledge of the characters do them justice. However I have 

written a Garak/Ziyal (Blasphemy! I know!) so it isn't my very first attempt at trying to 

portray Garak.   


**Summary**: After returning to DS9, Garak is back in his shop again, 

or what's left of it. Trying to gather the pieces of his life and get over the loss of 

Ziyal and his friendship with Bashir, Garak gets a surprise.   


**Disclaimer**: Garak/Bashir and Dax blah blah belongs to 

Paramount/Viacom blah blah… No infringement intended blah blah… you get the 

idea... The story is mine though (c) kira-nerys 1998  


**Time**: Set after Sacrifice of Angels.  


**Archiving and Downloading:** Oh sure. Download, print, read - 

whatever. Just don't archive anywhere without my permission (ASC is okay) Keep all headers 

please  


**Thanks**: To Olivia for being such a great help in improving this 

little story. You're a gem, my friend! Without you this story wouldn't be what it is...   


**Feedback/crits. **YES PLEASE! Detailed! 

HREF="mailto:kira-nerys@geocities.com">kira-nerys@geocities.com 

* * *

Garak stood by the entrance of his shop, watching the intense activity on the 

Promenade. People were hurrying back and forth and didn't even look at him where he was 

standing. Being back on the station again felt both strange and comforting. Although being 

an exile and never feeling quite at home anywhere, Deep Space Nine was the closest thing 

to "home" that he had. 

The war was far from over, and the realities of it had 

hit close this time. Ziyal was dead. Garak felt grief for the loss of the young girl that 

had loved him so unconditionally, and a little guilty for not loving her back. Ziyal had 

never known his secret. At least, for that, he was grateful. She had died with the hopes 

that maybe one day he would have loved her back. 

Despite the horrors of it all, in losing Ziyal and seeing so many people die - the last 

few months had also been exhilarating in some respects. His life had been more exciting 

these last few months than it had been for years. Garak smiled inwardly. Captain Sisko 

would probably throw one of his tantrums if he ever admitted this aloud. Not that he ever 

would. Garak wasn't prone to admitting anything voluntarily, however minor the admission 

might seem, unless he could gain something from it. Come to think of it, perhaps it would 

be fun to irritate the good Captain? Garak smiled, as he filed the thought away. 

Sometimes the tailor realized that his reluctance to share his feelings was less than 

an advantage. Sometimes life required honesty, and he supposed that he had missed his 

opportunity. But old habits died hard, and being in the Obsidian Order for so many years 

made lying, scheming and twisting the truth a part of him. Lately it seemed he had gone 

too far. Had he lost the most important person on the station in the process? 

And if so, why? As much as Garak loved a mystery, this was one he preferred he had 

never been put in the position of having to solve. Had Julian simply tired of his 

incessant lies? Or had he revealed too much to the good doctor and lost whatever hold he 

might have had on him? That would be most unfortunate.

Garak drew a deep breath and went back inside the shop. He might as well go back to 

inventory the remains... There wasn't much left of it since the Dominion's takeover of the 

station. Gul Dukat was petty sometimes, but he couldn't believe his enemy would do 

something so… childish. Garak couldn't find another way to describe it. 

Instead of allowing someone to take over the shop, or allowing Quark to use the space 

as he had requested to do so many times before, Dukat - or more likely, some of his men - 

had trashed it. Then allowed the shop to remain as a constant reminder of how he defeated 

the Federation and Garak - not necessarily in that order. It was a legacy to remind Dukat 

of how he had been able to drive Garak off the station, the only place he could have 

called home. 

It was a shame to see such blatant disregard for beautiful things. There wasn't a shred 

of fabric left that was big enough to sew even a woman's underwear out of. He sighed and 

decided he'd stop musing over things he could do nothing about. It would be better for him 

to get to work and see what new fabrics he would have to buy and… 

"Garak?" 

Garak's heart nearly stopped beating in his chest. He would have recognized that lovely 

voice anywhere. Julian, the young human who had turned out to be the love of his life - 

and the disappointment of his life, was there. Garak closed his eyes for a brief moment to 

regain his composure before turning around to greet him. 

"Why, my dear doctor!" he said - all too cheerfully, and left Julian no 

choice but to see the distance he had put up between them. True enough, he lowered his 

gaze, like a child that had just been scolded by a parent. Garak felt a flash of pain, but 

refused to let go. He'd be damned before he showed Julian how hurt he was about the way he 

had treated him lately. 

"What can I do for you?" Garak continued. 

"I was wondering if we could have lunch together…"

"Lunch? Whatever for?" Garak said and made sure his features showed nothing 

but surprise at the mere prospect of having lunch together with Julian. That flash of hope 

he felt, he killed instantly. 

Garak slapped himself mentally for being such an old fool. 

"I - I know we haven't been talking much lately Garak, but I'd like to… 

"

"I'm sorry Doctor, but as you can see…" Garak interrupted and waved with 

his hand at the shredded fabrics almost covering the floor of his shop. "… I 

simply don't have the time to waste on such inane pleasantries. A Cardassian friend of 

ours has seen to the fact that I'll be busy for days on end with this!"

Garak cursed inside. How could he be so foolish to let Julian see even a glimpse of his 

true feelings? But he supposed there was a limit to what he could take as well. This 

dreadful war, as exciting as it had been at times, had been emotionally draining, even for 

him. When they finally came back to the station he had found that dear girl dead. Ziyal 

was gone… 

As if that wasn't enough his shop was torn to pieces. He sometimes wondered if it 

weren't just as well if he had been killed during this despicable war. But some ironic 

fate had decided he had to live out his life as an exile. All these things put together 

made Garak's nerves lie on the surface. 

He couldn't help but wonder what had gone wrong between him and his young friend. Had 

Julian found out some of the dreadful truths from his past? Had he come across some 

information from his time as an agent of the Obsidian Order and found out how truly 

despicable he really was? But that wasn't really like Julian, who was always so quick to 

forgive and forget. Garak felt the warm feelings toward him resurfacing, but he quickly 

pushed them aside. 

"I'm sorry to hear you say that." Julian stated. "After all, Garak, you 

have to eat and I would very much like to have lunch with you. Maybe you need to talk? I 

know how much you cared about Ziyal…"

"Ah, Dr. Bashir. Always ready to serve when someone is hurting? How very un-Vulcan 

of you. Perhaps somewhere beneath all that posturing, the Julian I once knew is still 

around?" Garak mocked him. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I will deal with 

Ziyal's death my own way."

* * *

Julian stared at him in disbelief. Garak was being very touchy today. Why was it always 

like this nowadays, he wondered. Perhaps he deserved it? He refused to get upset over the 

remark and didn't even dignify it with an answer. 

"But can't we at least get together and eat? For old time's sake?" he 

pleaded. 

"Ah, my dear doctor. Like I said, I have other matters, far more important than 

eating, to take care of right now." Garak said and turned around. 

Bashir kept staring at his friend, trying to read between the lines. After all, that 

was what it was all about where Garak was concerned. Always read between the lines, look 

beneath the surface of the words. He knew he had hurt Garak. He also knew the Cardassian 

had a hard time dealing with the loss of his only other true friend on the station. He 

always kept things bottled up. But he needed someone to talk to and Julian wanted to be 

there for him. He refused to let the Cardassian's biting remarks get to him. 

For the first time Julian realized how dangerous it had been to keep Garak away during 

the war. He had been selfish and now he had to pay the price. They had drifted apart, 

Garak was hurting and he wouldn't let him help. He also knew Garak well enough to realize 

that he would never admit that he was hurting - even if his life depended on it.

"I know I haven't exactly been easy to be around lately, Garak. But I was hoping 

you would give me another chance… " 

"Ah, but of course, my dear Doctor!" Garak said, with a politeness that cut 

through Julian's heart. Garak treated him like a customer. The distance between them was 

as tangible as a brick-wall. "However, it will have to wait."

"Garak…" he begged. He knew that the last statement was merely a way of 

getting rid of him. That in itself told Julian how deeply disturbed Garak was by all that 

had happened recently. Instinctively he reached out to touch his friend, feeling surprised 

that he needed the physical contact. For some reason he needed to know that Garak was 

really there. The Cardassian almost balked when Julian put his hand on his shoulder. 

"Don't *touch* me!" he hissed. 

* * *

Garak felt an unexpected jolt of fear run through his veins. If Julian touched him once 

more, he didn't know what he would do. He needed the contact, but if he yielded to that 

need… 

Thankfully, Julian pulled his hand away in a swift movement. He was looking at him with 

puzzlement and pain in his gaze. Garak flinched at the sadness in his friend's eyes, but 

he was too hurt to apologize or try to take back what he said. 

* * *

Julian nearly gasped when he saw the hatred flashing towards him from those impossibly 

blue eyes. As always, Garak quickly hid his emotions, but he had seen it. He knew the 

Cardassian too well to be fooled by that superficial friendly chatter. What was he going 

to do? How could he regain his friend's trust? He knew he deserved Garak's anger, but did 

he really deserve his hatred? It hurt. 

Julian looked back on the past months and his forehead wrinkled in the process. Nothing 

he could think of made him believe that he deserved the look his friend had just given 

him. He felt the pain in the pit of his stomach grow. It was unexpectedly sharp. During 

the months on the Defiant and on the starbase he had kept Garak at arm's length. But he 

had done that to *everyone*. Perhaps Garak had taken it more personally than the others 

had? Perhaps he hadn't realized that this was his way of dealing with the horrors of the 

war? He had to get through to him somehow. 

"Garak" he tried again. "You're my best friend. I don't want us to drift 

apart… "

Julian watched as Garak drew a deep breath, and closed his eyes momentarily. Then he 

said with ice in his normally so pleasant voice. 

"I am sorry, Doctor. But I feel no need to pursue a *friendship* that died months 

ago!" 

Then Garak turned around. "Now if you'll excuse me doctor Bashir. I have work to 

do." 

Baffled and hurt beyond his worst expectations, Julian turned around and left. As he 

walked out of the shop, leaving Garak to his work, he wondered what he could possibly do 

to change his friend's mind. He was surprised at how much Garak had been able to hurt him. 

For the first time Julian asked himself how much the Cardassian actually meant to him. He 

didn't know what the answer to that question was. 

* * *

"Jadzia…" Julian said and grabbed a light hold of her slender arm. 

"Can I talk to you for a second?" 

"Julian!" a warm and welcoming smile spread across Jadzia's lovely features. 

"Sure, what can I do for you? You look like you just lost your best friend!" 

Julian closed his eyes and sighed deeply. Jadzia was sometimes more blunt than what was 

comfortable. 

"Oh, I see, I hit the nail on the head right away…" she said as she 

slipped down on the chair in front of him. 

They were at the upper level of Quark's. It was fairly empty at this time of day and it 

felt like a relief to Julian. He needed to talk to someone and he didn't want the entire 

station hanging on his every word. 

"It's Garak - isn't it?" Jadzia said softly and grabbed Julian's hand. He 

looked up at her, startled. 

"How did you know?"

Julian felt his cheeks redden as she looked teasingly at him. Of course she would know. 

She knew everything that happened on the station. Of course she knew that he and Garak had 

had a falling out of sorts. 

Julian couldn't help but smile back sheepishly at her and say:   


"I don't even know what happened."  


"Oh Julian" Jadzia said tiredly.   


"What?"  


"Sometimes it amazes me how blind you humans can be…"  


Julian stared at her, waiting for her to go on.   


"What!" he said irritably when she didn't continue.   


"I don't think it is my place to tell you this, Julian."   


"Jadzia, now you have to help me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him 

and I am afraid I already have! If you know what I could do to save this relationship, you 

have to tell me!" 

Jadzia pulled his hand closer and with that he had to lean forward. Her eyes twinkled 

only a few inches away as she looked at him. 

"I might tell you, Julian, but it really is none of my business…"   


"Then make it your business, Jadzia!" Julian said irritably, he wasn't at all in 

the mood for her teasing right now. "You've never been afraid to put your nose where 

it doesn't belong before…" He halted in mid-sentence. That really didn't sound 

very nice. "I am sorry Jadzia, you know what I mean. Don't hold out on me now that I 

need your help!" he pleaded. 

"All right!" she smiled, and Julian sighed deeply in relief when he realized 

she hadn't taken offense at his bluntness. When was he going to learn to be more - subtle? 

He felt slightly better now that Jadzia had more or less promised to help him out. 

"How have you treated Garak lately?" she asked.   


Julian looked down on their entwined fingers, and withdrew his hand. He started playing 

with a napkin.   


"I haven't treated him very nicely. I've snapped at him and cursed at him and I have 

even been avoiding him."  


"Why?"   


Julian sat silent for a few moments and then he said.   


"I've treated everyone like that."  


"No you haven't, Julian…"   


"But…"  


"You haven't!"   


"Maybe you're right… I think it's because of the war. Those I care about mostly 

- I've pushed them away. I've treated you badly, haven't I?" 

Jadzia smiled with amusement for the first time. 

"Oh yes, you have. But I understand why you did that. I know it is because you 

love me very much, but what about Garak? He's your friend, and maybe he doesn't realize 

that you care about him as much as you do. Isn't it possible that he's been very hurt by 

the way you've been acting?"

"He thinks I don't care?" Julian said, puzzled.   


"Maybe…"  


"But Garak isn't like that. He's intelligent and he knows me. He sees through me like 

I was a piece of glass!"   


"Julian… that's where you're wrong. Ever since we found out about your genetic 

enhancement, you've been different. We've all had to come to terms with the fact that you 

know very well how to keep a secret from people if you have to. I think that was a shock 

to all of us. But more so for Garak."  


"I guess that's true. Garak has always looked upon me as a naive and rather 

transparent person."  


"I don't think that's true, Julian" Jadzia said mildly.   


"Then what?" he said, still with irritation in his voice.   


"Think about it. Garak was an agent of the Obsidian Order. He's a master at lying and 

keeping the truth changing into what he wants it to be. He has probably sensed there is 

more to you than you are leading on. Or else he would never have been so intrigued by you 

and your friendship…"   


"But what has that got to do with anything? Why would he be angry with me for 

that?"  


"Julian… Julian… " Jadzia shook her head. "You really don't see 

it do you?"  


"No I don't. So much for my genetically enhanced mind!" he spat.   


"You're too agitated. Think!" she urged him quietly. 

Julian was wracking his brain in trying to understand the tailor's reactions. Why was 

Garak so upset by his distance? Why had he been so agitated ever since his genetic 

enhancement had become common knowledge? 

Suddenly what might be at least part of the truth dawned on him. 

"Oh…" he sighed.   


"What do you think?" Jadzia asked him curiously.   


"Well, maybe… maybe Garak is feeling a bit humiliated? He's always believed that 

he was the master at hiding things of the two of us. But then I come along, revealing such 

an important secret and even if he knew I was hiding something, he never even got close to 

the truth. He wasn't even on to me…I suppose it must have been a shock to him to know 

the truth, but why should he start hating me because of this?"   


"He doesn't hate you, Julian!"  


"Oh, I am not so sure about that. You should have seen the way he looked at me 

today."  


"Have you ever considered how this might look from Garak's perspective?" Jadzia 

asked softly and looked at him. Her eyes held more wisdom that he could ever hope to gain. 

  


"No, I suppose I haven't" he admitted.  


"Then listen to me. Don't interrupt me and think about it for a while" Jadzia 

said.   


"You and Garak have been friends for almost six years now. He's closer to you than he 

is to anyone on this station. Then he finds out about this incredible truth about you and 

more or less, right after this truth comes out you start treating him like a second rate 

citizen."

"But I didn't mean to…" Bashir silenced at Jadzia's look. 

"What is he supposed to think? That you think that he isn't 'all that' he is 

cracked up to be? That you look at him as a pathetic former agent who thinks he knows it 

all and you've been able to hide such an important truth about yourself from him for so 

long? Perhaps he even thinks you've been playing him for a fool, enjoying hiding the truth 

from him - a former Obsidian agent…"

"But that's overreacting. He should know me better than that! He should be able to 

understand why I treated you all like I did. It's because I was afraid of losing you all. 

I still am!"

"And he probably would have understood it and reacted like everyone else if his 

judgment hadn't been clouded" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I think I've given you enough to think about now, Julian. Good luck!" 

Jadzia smiled serenely at him and left him to his own thoughts by the table at Quark's. 

* * * 

Garak's heart was pounding and he felt like screaming when Julian left the tailor's 

shop. Instead he waded through the shredded fabrics on the floor. He threw chunks of 

beautiful lace and satin fringes into the recycler. Thank the gods he received some 

credits in return when he disposed so much material. It wasn't a complete loss even if 

some of the fabrics were more or less irreplaceable. The Aldanian satin was something he 

probably would never be able to replace, or the Bolian viscose. 

There were many things he would never be able to replace. 

Julian…

Suddenly it was as if Garak lost all his energy and he dropped the shreds of fabric in 

his hands. He was standing behind the counter of his shop and he had to sit down, so he 

simply backed up against the wall and slid down onto the floor as if his legs couldn't 

carry him anymore. Then he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. The pain he felt 

right now was nothing like anything he had ever felt before, and he didn't know how to 

ward himself from it. 

He forced himself to remember all the times on the Defiant, when Julian had avoided him 

or snapped at him. They were so many. He remembered the time when he had gone to the him 

to get the wound in his head healed. The attraction he felt for Julian was so strong that 

he hadn't been able to help himself. He had begun flirting with him and the Julian had 

responded in the most wonderful manner. Had the man been Cardassian, Garak would have been 

incredibly happy, since the his behavior displayed all the signs of Cardassian flirting. 

But Julian was Human and their ways of dealing with friends and lovers were so 

different. It was confusing. Garak knew the species well enough to know that to Humans - 

and to Julian - avoidance and bad language was not a way of showing affection. 

Garak realized he would have been content being just friends with Julian forever. He 

had given up all hopes of ever pursuing a different kind of relationship with the him long 

ago, but he had hoped that they would stay friends. In fact, he had counted on Julian's 

friendship as the only reliable thing in his life. Now it seemed he had lost even that. 

Garak rubbed his eyes. 

The thoughts kept running around his mind in circles. Why did he shun Julian when he 

came to him with the obvious intent of trying to save their friendship? Garak knew it all 

too well. His pride had gotten in the way. He hadn't been able to swallow the fact that 

Julian had had the nerve to come to his shop like that. On top of that he had asked him 

out to lunch as if the last few months never happened; as if Julian had forgotten that he 

had been rude and avoided him like plague for so long. How could he be so insensitive? 

Garak wanted to be angry but he had no anger left. Instead, he sat there, with his eyes 

closed, feeling drained. If Julian came back and asked him again, he should show him that 

he was above such petty behavior and accept his invitation gracefully. It was a small 

price to pay to regain the young man's friendship. He would give anything to be Julian's 

friend again. 

The irritating logic of his mind was getting to him.

Garak admitted to himself that he hoped the young man would really ask again. 

* * * 

Julian sat at the table for a long time. Quark came by and offered him a drink. So he 

sat there, sipping his Tarkalean tea while trying to make sense out of Jadzia's words. 

Why would Garak act like this?   


*If his judgment hadn't been clouded?*   


He frowned as he thought back at the last few months. Garak had been really upset the last 

couple of times they had talked. He had seemed angry with him for being inconsiderate and 

cold. Calling him a *Vulcan*. Verbally sparring with him at every instant. Did Garak care 

more for him than he realized? Had his distance really hurt the Cardassian?

Julian remembered when he had come to him to get his wound treated. Garak had been 

unbearable - shoving biting remarks in his face and acting more or less menacingly. He 

forced himself to remember how cold and distant he himself had been. How he had shoved 

Garak aside when he needed medical attention and treating him like crap for the most part. 

Why did that ring a bell in the back of his mind? What was it that he suddenly 

remembered about Cardassian behavior? Arguing… Cardassians arguing… 

"Oh God!" he breathed.   


The truth hit Julian like a sledgehammer across the head.   


"No, it can't be… No, not Garak?" he mumbled to himself. 

But the more Julian thought about it - the more sense it all made. The truth was that 

Garak and he had been flirting wildly - Cardassian style of course - for the last few 

months. Had Garak taken his arguing the wrong way or - the right way? 

What *was* the right way to take his arguing? Julian wondered. The question was. How 

did he feel about it, and what was he going to do? First of all - could it be true that 

Garak had been flirting with him and had the he truly meant to do that? Or was it just 

that Julian's behavior had triggered Garak's anger and had nothing to do with love or 

attraction at all? Did Cardassians argue when they were upset with each other at all? This 

was all very confusing. What if he had indeed been flirting with him? At first Julian 

shied away from the thought and rubbed his forehead. He needed time. He needed to sort out 

his feelings. Or did he?

All this thinking and Jadzia's comments made him finally admit to himself why he had 

treated Garak so badly for the last few months. Sure, he had been a pest to be around for  


anyone he cared about. But nobody had to suffer his foul moods the way Garak had to… 

So he admitted to himself that it was because he was so afraid of losing his friend. The 

mere thought of Garak dying or getting seriously wounded sent a cold chill down his spine. 

Memories of when the Founders had been playing around with his head flooded his mind. He 

thought he had lost Garak then and it had hurt more than he would have expected. Why 

hadn't he seen it already back then? 

It was suddenly so clear to him - all the things he had said and done to Garak on the 

Defiant was an attempt to shield himself from the possible pain of losing him forever. 

Then came the logical question. Why did he worry so much about losing Garak? He had been 

in love with Jadzia for so long and she was now one of his most cherished friends, and 

O'Brien and he had shared so much, trusted each other and helped each other so many times. 

Yet the fear of losing them wasn't nearly as profound as the thought of losing Garak… 

why? He loved Jadzia, and he loved O'Brien. Did that mean he loved Garak too? Of course it 

did! What he hadn't realized before was just how much. The thought both frightened him and 

made him exhilarated at the same time. 

Julian was surprised to feel the flutter in his stomach. Sometimes he had actually 

wondered what it would be like if Garak had been attracted to him. He had always held a 

strange spell over him. Garak was - intriguing. He was mysterious, intelligent and - 

attractive. But he had never done anything to show him more than friendship, had he? Had 

Garak actually tried to tell him something? Quite a few times Julian had asked himself if 

Garak was flirting with him, but he had never taken it seriously. Julian himself was far 

too insecure to even consider the possibility, let alone do something about it. 

* * *

Garak rose from the floor. His spirits lifted slightly at the thought of being the one 

in control again. In coming to him first, Julian had given Garak the upper hand. He didn't 

have to go groveling to him for his attention. Perhaps his little tantrum hadn't been such 

a big mistake after all? He cast a final glance at the fabrics spread on the floor. Well, 

those could wait another day or two. 

He had more important matters to attend to right now. 

Just when he was about to close up shop, a familiar shape caught his attention. 

"Lieutenant Dax!" Garak said. "It's good to see you."  


"Hello Garak, are you closing up shop for today?"   


"Yes, I have some important matters to attend to."  


"Before you leave there is something I would like to say. Do you have a minute?"  


"For you, my young lady - always!" Garak smiled and his mood was far better now 

than it had been a few minutes earlier.   


"It's about Julian… "   


"Yes?" Now she had the tailor's full attention.   


"Are you still fighting?" she asked.   


Garak stared at her in disbelief.   


"I don't see what concern that is of yours, Lieutenant. But if we were indeed - 

fighting - what of it?"  


"Well, Julian is rather upset… "  


"Ah, I see - and now you are here to tell me I should go and pat the young doctor on 

the shoulder to relieve his suffering?" Garak sounded positively disgusted at this 

very idea.   


"Not at all. As a matter of fact I told him he was being a jerk for treating you the 

way he has for the last few months, and now I think he finally realized what's going on 

between the two of you…" Jadzia said.   


"And what exactly is that?" Garak's smile became just a little strained.   


"I think you know what I am talking about. But don't worry, your secret is safe with 

me. Besides I don't think you have anything to worry about."  


"I see" Garak said. For once he was at a loss for words. How much did the young 

lieutenant really know?   


"Are you going to talk to him?" she asked. "I think you should… "  


"Yes, my dear, as a matter of fact I am. I was just on my way to search for the 

doctor. You wouldn't happen to know where he is?"   


Jadzia smiled brightly at him.   


"I left him at Quark's about an hour ago. He had some important things to sort out, 

and I wouldn't be surprised if he still is where I left him" the beautiful Trill 

answered. 

Garak looked at Jadzia who smiled a slightly enigmatic smile, which said that she knew 

something Garak didn't. He felt a flutter in his stomach. Was it leading up to what he 

thought it was? He felt like a teenager, and his steps toward Quark's had a definite swing 

to them. 

* * *

Jadzia Dax's smile widened as she watched the Cardassian tailor head towards Quark's to 

talk with the young doctor. It was about time those two got around to at least talking to 

one another, she thought. 

* * *

Garak smiled when he saw the lean frame of the CMO sitting at the table at Quark's, 

absentmindedly sipping his tea. He looked like he wasn't even aware of where he was. 

Quark almost bumped into Garak as he moved towards the table where Julian was sitting. 

"He's been sitting like that for a couple of hours now. You better do something, 

Garak! At least get him to order another cup of tea. He's been sipping that 

forever…" Quark's voice was getting annoyed. "I can't have customers 

occupying my tables and not eat or drink something"

"It looks like this bar of yours has plenty of room for other customers, but I'll 

see what I can do," Garak said lightly as he moved towards Julian. He didn't even see 

him until the Cardassian leaned over the table and looked straight in his eyes. 

"My dear doctor. You look like you were a million light-years away!" he 

chided.   


"Garak!" 

Julian pushed himself up on the chair and his body tensed. His beautiful eyes were 

boring deep into Garak's soul. He stared back. For some reason Garak felt naked under the 

intensity of his gaze, but he would never let on how he truly felt. 

"Doctor" he acknowledged simply. "May I sit down?"   


"Of course Garak. I am so glad you came. We really need to talk."  


"Do we now?" he said and leaned back into his chair, waiting patiently to see 

Julian had to say.   


"Is that all you have to say after these last few months?"   


"Well, my dear Doctor, by all means. Let's talk." Garak responded and leaned 

forward over the table, closing in on his young friend. 

* * *

Julian gazed at Garak and for the first time he could see the shadow of pain deep 

inside those royal blue eyes. It wasn't evident. Yet Julian winced and could have kicked 

himself for not seeing it before. He of all people knew Garak best on this station and yet 

he had hurt him deeply. How could he have been so blind? How could he not have seen how 

Garak felt? On the other hand he hadn't even seen how *he* felt. To his defense he had to 

admit that Garak wasn't really easy to read. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all?

Now that Garak was sitting there in front of him. Julian's mouth turned completely dry 

and he didn't know what to say. The look on the Cardassian's face didn't make it any 

easier. He was just sitting there, silently, waiting for Julian to tell him what ever was 

on his mind. He couldn't seem to get away from those eyes. They bore into his soul, 

waiting for him to reveal his innermost secrets. Garak had never looked at him quite like 

that before. 

He couldn't come up with anything intelligent to say. He was just so glad that Garak 

was there, willing to talk, or at least spend some time with him. He felt like he needed 

to convey this, but still couldn't get a word out of his mouth. Instead, he just reached 

out and grabbed Garak's cool hand in a firm grip, almost a caress. 

He had touched Garak before, but for some reason this time it was electrifying. The 

unfamiliar contact felt so good. Every other time he had touched the Cardassian it had 

been in a purely professional or friendly manner. Now, all of the sudden, he became 

acutely aware of the attraction he felt. The rough texture of the alien skin made him 

shiver slightly. He wanted to lift Garak's hand to his face and kiss it. He wanted to get 

on his feet and pull him into his embrace. He couldn't believe it had taken so long for 

him to realize this. He smiled to cover his emotions and watched as Garak twitched at the 

unexpected gesture. But he did not withdraw his hand. 

"I am sorry Garak - for being such an ass."

Garak didn't answer. He just smiled enigmatically, and waited. Julian turned silent for 

a while longer. He knew it wouldn't be easy to make Garak understand and he would have to 

reveal more than he had intended. On the other hand, if his suspicions were accurate, 

Garak would be pleased to hear what he had to say. If not? Well then he had misjudged the 

situation and their friendship would not be salvageable anyway. 

"I have been treating you so badly for so long. I want to explain why…" 

he said finally.   


"I am all ears…" Garak said and smiled as he used the typically human 

expression.   


"I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but you are not the only one I have been 

treating badly of late."  


"Ah, you mean your calculated mind has picked up on the fact that even Jadzia and 

O'Brien has taken badly to your Vulcan-like behavior?"   


"Would you please stop referring to me as an unfeeling Vulcan. That is as far from 

the truth as it could possibly be!" Julian said and removed his hand. Then he closed 

his eyes and forced himself to calm down.   


"Is it?"

He wouldn't gain anything by alienating Garak further. So, Julian simply nodded: 

"Yes it is. I have been treating everyone badly… but there is a reason for 

it."   


"So, this is where I finally get the explanation?" Garak said.   


Julian nodded again and swallowed hard. God, he'd better make this good, or he'd lose 

Garak forever. He just knew it. His hands were sweaty and his heart fluttered in his 

chest.   


"I… I…" he stuttered. Then he silenced and drew a deep breath. Garak 

leaned forward with his eye-ridges lifted. Julian swallowed again and started over.   


"I have been trying to protect myself. You know… you know as well as anyone that 

I've never been in this kind of situation before. The war and everything…" 

Garak tilted his head and nodded but he didn't say a word. 

"I've been keeping everyone at arm's length, but more so with you than anyone 

else."   


"And why is that?" 

Julian felt a rush of relief when Garak didn't fall back into his cold and distant 

self. He couldn't have gone through with this if he had. 

"Oh, Garak… If you only knew how much I fear losing you…" he said 

and looked him straight in the eye. "I couldn't bear it."  


Garak's eyes darkened and his gaze was locked on Julian's face.   


"I found myself putting up a barrier between me and everyone I truly care about. I 

was distancing myself from Jadzia, Miles and you and treating you all like I couldn't care 

less, as if I couldn't stand being around you. In a way, that was true. I couldn't stand 

it because I was trying to spare myself of the pain if something were to happen."  


"I fail to see the logic in this…" Garak said but urged him on with a 

gesture.   


"It might not be logical, but feelings aren't always logical, Garak. You know that as 

well as I do. I was distancing myself from you out of fear. As if I could bear the pain 

more easily if I cut you off before anything happened to either of you. I know that wasn't 

very clever, and it wouldn't have worked either…"  


"No I suspect it would not… " Garak admitted and looked steadily at him.

Julian swallowed once more and kept going. He knew he had to say this now - before he 

lost his courage. He kept tearing the napkin into little pieces. He was getting a bit 

angry with himself. He knew Garak could see how nervous he was as he tore the napkin to 

shreds, but he couldn't help himself. There was too much at stake. 

"I treated you worse than anyone else, because you mean more to me than anyone 

else. You are the best friend I've got Garak!" That was as far as Julian was willing 

to go right now. He couldn't pour his heart out all at once… 

Garak's azure blue eyes darkened. A small glimmer of hope could be detected and 

Julian's heart was beating harder. Was he right? 

* * *

"Can we be friends again?" Julian begged.   


"Well, doctor. Since you're asking me in such a sweet manner, how could I 

refuse?" Garak said and felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders. It seemed Julian 

had missed him after all and that he truly cared. Perhaps he should accept the explanation 

at face value and not dwell on the pain it caused him?   


"I am glad you told me this, Julian. I am afraid our friendship might have been 

utterly lost if you hadn't…" Garak admitted. "I realize now there is no 

reason for us to give it up." 

Again Julian reached out to grab his hand and said;  


"You don't know how happy that makes me feel."  


"Oh, but I think I do, my dear Doctor…" Garak responded and this time he 

squeezed back lightly. The feeling of the young man's hand in his was better than anything 

he had felt for a very long time.   


"Then let's celebrate our newfound friendship over dinner, shall we? In my quarters, 

tonight?" Julian said with a slight catch in his voice. 

Garak lifted his head and stared into Julian's eyes, trying to figure out what was 

going on. The unexpected invitation had him intrigued, but he decided that there was 

nothing strange in the invitation, and nodded his agreement. 

"Why, I'd be delighted, doctor. I'd be most delighted! Then all is forgiven?" 

  


"All is forgiven!" Julian responded and got up from the chair. 

Garak let out a surprised gasp as he watched Julian smile warmly as he left. The 

affection in Julian's eyes was more evident than normal and Garak could have sworn he 

could detect just a little hint of desire. 

You old fool, Garak cursed to himself when he felt the hope rising in his chest. 

But there was no mistaking Julian's look at him. There just wasn't. Garak leaned his 

head in his hands and rubbed his eyes. Could this be? Was the young human seeking more 

than friendship after all this time?

* * *

Julian paced nervously as he was waiting for Garak to arrive. He had done what he could 

to make the dinner seem appetizing for both of them. He winced as he looked at the table. 

Garak would think that he had invited half the station when he saw all the foods he had 

prepared… 

He had known Garak long enough to be able to know what he preferred and what he didn't 

like. So the table was completely filled with Human and Cardassian foods to their liking. 

One last look in the mirror told Julian that he was looking as good as could be 

expected under the circumstances. He was nervous as hell. What if he had misunderstood 

Jadzia's implications? What if he was just being his normal naive self?

The doorbell chimed and there was no more time to worry, this was the moment of truth. 

And if it didn't turn out the way he expected, then at least he would have tried. 

"Enter!" 

He felt his heart thump in his chest when Garak entered. He was wearing a grayish, long 

tunic and a pair of black pants, looking as ravishing as ever. For the first time Julian 

allowed himself to absorb the image of the Cardassian as a possible lover. The thought of 

Garak in that role in his life made his mouth run completely dry. Why had it taken him so 

long to realize the truth? 

Julian lifted his head and looked into Garak's blue eyes. For a brief moment he could 

see undisguised hunger in the other man's gaze, but it was gone in the blink of an eye and 

all he could see was a more acceptable admiration. The kind Garak could have given anyone 

who dressed well. But the flash of desire in his royal blue eyes made the confidence flow 

into Julian and he could finally speak. 

"Welcome Garak! Come in and have a seat."  


"Why, thank you, Doctor!" Garak replied and entered the room. He handed Bashir a 

bottle of Bajoran Spring Wine and smiled.   


"I know at least this is a custom Humans share with Cardassians. It is proper of the 

guest to bring a gift to the host. I hope you like Bajoran Spring wine."  


"Thank you, Garak" Julian smiled sheepishly as he realized that this was the 

first time in a very long time Garak and he were acting like friends. This made the simple 

gift much more precious to him. 

* * *

Garak sat down by the table and grinned at all the food. It seemed his young friend was 

slightly nervous… Then he continued to study Julian. He was wearing a white shirt and 

a pair of black pants that fit him like a second skin. Garak couldn't remember one single 

time during their friendship that the he had ever dressed up for one of their meals 

before. 

Why now? Garak felt his heart beat faster. He had to know. So he looked at Julian as he 

put the bottle of wine on the table. Then he rose from the chair again and stood in front 

of Julian. He was about to play his cards in one go and he felt slightly nervous, but that 

had never stopped him before, so Garak said:

"Doctor… Julian… there is something I have to ask you."

Garak watched as Julian licked his lips nervously. Then he surprised him by staring 

back. Garak relaxed. This was the moment of truth and he didn't hold back. For the first 

time since he laid eyes on the beautiful young man he didn't hide his feelings. He let his 

blue eyes show all the desire that Julian could ever have dreamed of seeing there. 

"Why did you invite me here tonight, Julian?" he asked. "Why did you 

dress up for me? What is it that you want?"

Garak looked at Julian as he lowered his gaze again. It was so obvious he tried to 

force himself to relax, but couldn't. Instead he brushed his palms against the fabric of 

his trousers. Garak's heart was fluttering. Julian's nervousness told him everything he 

wanted. He had something important to say and Garak only hoped that it was what he thought 

it was. Julian lifted his gaze again and looked straight into his eyes. Garak nearly 

gasped at what he saw. 

"I'd like for you to show me how you feel," Julian whispered. "I think I 

finally realized that you have other feelings for me than those of a friend…"   


"And what about you, Julian. How do you feel?" he turned the question back at 

Julian, almost afraid to breathe. 

He didn't answer, and Garak watched intently as Julian took one step forward, to allow 

their bodies to make contact. Garak drew a deep breath, his entire form stiffening at the 

sheer pleasure of feeling Julian so close. 

"I've never felt this way for a man before, and it is a little bit 

frightening," Julian admitted and Garak felt his heart melt. "But I know now 

that you care about me more than anyone else on this station, or even in this world. With 

you I feel ready to explore my feelings."

Was that happiness he felt? Garak wondered. It had been so long since he felt those 

feelings he wasn't quite sure. Could happiness make you feel like crying? 

"All I want if for you to love me, Elim," Julian whispered. "I want you 

to love me the way I just learned that I love you."

The young man's hands rested lightly on his shoulders and the sincerity in his entire 

demeanor made Garak feel humble. Julian carefully pulled him closer. His hands traveled 

upwards to dig into Garak's raven-black hair and he closed his eyes. He finally relaxed 

and let his fears go. He put his arms around Julian's slender body, and held him tight.

I must be dreaming. Oh, gods I must be dreaming, was Garak's last thought before their 

lips met for a first kiss. 

_**- the end -**_

* * *

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